6 years struggling with infertility, to be blessed with not one but 2 little miracles and then have one taken away, is not a pill that is easy to swallow.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of twin A.
I catch myself crying or tears welling up at random times during the day, and when I see twins, the heart stings tug and the knot in my chest is just so painful
I knew my pregnancy was at risk, since it was a twin pregnancy and at my 6 week appointment we knew something was wrong with Twin A, as they were measuring 3 days apart, but after going through an Ecoptic pregnancy 7 months before, I just wanted to hold on to the fact that I was carrying life. My miracles.
At 8 weeks we announced we were expecting twins, cause we’ll, my body just couldn’t hide it anymore.
For 11 weeks baby Anthony shared life as a fraternal twin, inside my womb but with each passing day, twin A just couldn’t hang on.
At 11 weeks two heartbeats became one, and on a sunny Tuesday, not a cloud in the sky, I made it to an emergency appointment, to know what I felt the night before had happened… Watching the monitor, Anthony by himself on top and an empty sack on the bottom…. I know what it meant and just needed to hear the answer… was Twin A still there?
Vanishing twin syndrome is what my doctor called it.
Since appointments were done alone,( hubby couldn’t be there with me) I lay there trying not to burst into tears but she was understanding and gave me a few minutes to gather my thoughts. Even though it couldn’t help the pain and sadness I was feeling, she was comforting, in letting me know there was nothing I could’ve done or should’ve done differently. It just happens. Twin A, had just stopped developing.
Sometimes I feel Anthony knows he wasn’t alone in there, and sometimes when he randomly smiles in the air, I feel like at that moment, twin A is with him.
A piece of my heart may not be here but I I look at my rainbow baby Anthony everyday and I am so blessed.
October is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month.
The questions that ever comes up when someone asks me about it:
How do you cope with the loss of a twin?
To be honest, I still haven’t wrapped my head around it, and one day, I’ll give myself time to grieve but for now I’m mentally and physically present for Anthony.
What is Vanishing twin Syndrome?
Vanishing twin syndrome is diagnosed more frequently these days than in decades past due to the use of ultrasound in early pregnancy: It's said to affect up to 30 percent of twin or multiple pregnancies
Are you still a twin mom, if one baby didn’t make it?
short answer: YES!
What to say to someone who experienced a loss of a twin?
Be honest: “I don't know what to say. I can't imagine what you're going through.”
Be comforting: “I care about you and your family.
or don’t say anything at all!
Sometimes and something I appreciated, silence is what is needed when the world feels like it’s closing in and you need to shut out the noise, just to think. At that moment just your presence is good enough.
“Not all twins are meant to walk side by side, sometimes one is given wings to fly” - anonymous
In Canada, 15.7% of couples have problems with fertility.
I am 1 in 8
I’m Canada, 15% to 25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage
I am 1 in 4
xox
Carolyn, forever a twin mama
